Another Day of Me and Maybe More?

Originally this blog was started to help me process every thing I was going through with my stem cell transplant. Then after it all calmed down, i stopped writing. I automatically assumed I had nothing anyone would want to hear.

Im learning now, I need to write for me and in the process, I hope someone reads and relates. My greatest wish is that someone can learn from my journey, from my pain, and it can help them. We all know Crohn's doesn't just affect the body, but it alters the mind as well. Sometimes all we need is someone else who gets it. You know, REALLY GETS IT!

I hope that as I start back writing more often, God will give me the words that you may need to hear.

As for today, remember you are special and loved. Crohnies United!

Uneventful is What I Worked For

I haven't been posting as much because my life has become rather uneventful. As I was preparing to go to bed, it hit me. I worked hard for this lifestyle. Heck, I worked hard for life.

My life may be boring and mediocre now but I wouldn't have it any other way!

For over 13 years, my life has been Hell. I was raped twice. I withstood verbal, sexual and physical abuse from a boyfriend for 5 years. I survived his attempted murder. I was diagnosed with Crohn's and fought hard to get better, when really I was fighting a losing battle. I was dying when I went through a stem cell transplant over 600 miles from home. Almost died during that as well. I have suffered anxiety, panic disorder, PTSD,  and suicide attempts.

It's been a long, difficult journey but look at me now. I'm overall pretty healthy, I'm the happiest I have ever been, and I am stronger in my faith more than ever before.

Because of the difficulties, I can now celebrate all my wins, regardless of size. I celebrate being able to go to the beach without rushing to find a bathroom.  I celebrate walking around in the park with no pain. I celebrate not having to worry if I'm going to survive my next beating.  I even celebrate getting to eat grapes without winding up in a hospital bed.

Life may be ordinary and uneventful, but, man, it's amazing!!

When You Live With Pain

I have been diagnosed with spondyloarthritis. And i cannot sleep! Even though im on ambien for my insomnia, the pain is relentless and i get no more than a few hours of broken sleep a night. I'm starting to get beyond frustrated with the fact my meds havent been preauthorized yet and my dr won't call me back.

When i saw him the 1st time, he asked my pain level. I told him a 10 because it was. I could barely move, walk, sit. I cant even bend over. He said no a 10 means you wouldnt be sitting here talking to me right now.

Hold on. Let me tell you something! For over a decade, i have been poked and prodded, been through chemo, a stem cell transplant, every test imaginable, felt like i was giving birth to my intestines 15-25 times a day, was malnourished, had multiple picc lines, almost died twice, had surgery, have given my self injections for years, broken multiple bones, had my bones drilled in to 3 times and God knows what else. I am not a stranger to pain. Just because you can't read it on my face, doesn't mean it doesn't exist. It just means I've been through Hell already so I know how to walk through fire.

Please don't underestimate my pain, based on my facial expressions.  You haven't live through what I have.