Uneventful is What I Worked For

I haven't been posting as much because my life has become rather uneventful. As I was preparing to go to bed, it hit me. I worked hard for this lifestyle. Heck, I worked hard for life.

My life may be boring and mediocre now but I wouldn't have it any other way!

For over 13 years, my life has been Hell. I was raped twice. I withstood verbal, sexual and physical abuse from a boyfriend for 5 years. I survived his attempted murder. I was diagnosed with Crohn's and fought hard to get better, when really I was fighting a losing battle. I was dying when I went through a stem cell transplant over 600 miles from home. Almost died during that as well. I have suffered anxiety, panic disorder, PTSD,  and suicide attempts.

It's been a long, difficult journey but look at me now. I'm overall pretty healthy, I'm the happiest I have ever been, and I am stronger in my faith more than ever before.

Because of the difficulties, I can now celebrate all my wins, regardless of size. I celebrate being able to go to the beach without rushing to find a bathroom.  I celebrate walking around in the park with no pain. I celebrate not having to worry if I'm going to survive my next beating.  I even celebrate getting to eat grapes without winding up in a hospital bed.

Life may be ordinary and uneventful, but, man, it's amazing!!

ER Visit: Nothing New

I'm at the ER for the first time since December 2016. I've been having increasing pain in my right side. Originally, I went to urgent care because I figured it was a flare up and i didnt feel like the ER wait. But it was too late in the day for them to do imaging so the doctor there urged me to go to the ER...even called ahead and sent notes.

5 hours later, I was finally given pain meds. He gave me Nubain, which I have never had before. Have any of you ever heard of it?? Now that he says he's suspecting a flare up, I'm just waiting for discharge. You all know how pain management is for us...one dose isnt going to do any good but asking for more makes us look bad. Smh. I hate going to the ER for this very reason. I would rather sit at home and suffer than be made to feel bad because I asked for something for the pain. I mean really...look at my medical history! You can clearly see I'm not an addict, I'm actually sick!

Sorry! Rant over!! Lol

Being prescribed more steroids. Even though i dont think theyll help the crohns, I have some respiratory issues going on too so I think they'll help there.

Will update you all soon!

Back Pain ER Trip

So i started having these severe, sharp pains in my back around my kidney and in my abdomen just below my ribs. It was hurting so bad, i couldn't sleep.

As much as i didnt want to, at 3:30am i caved and came to the er. I prayed on my way it wouldnt be a long wait or else i was going home and suffering through the pain. But God answered my prayer and there was no one in the waiting room.

They gave me fluids, pain meds and nausea meds to help..and they definitely did help. The doctor ordered blood work, urine tests and a ct scan of my kidneys.

All the tests came back great. Even though i suggested it may be my arthritis, the doctor feels its more likely a crohn's flare.

He gave me pain meds to go and is starting me in prednisone...yay, moon face will be back...😑😑😑

Praying my rheumatologist can get me on meds for my back and hoping my GI will figure out my flare (I have an MRI on December 10 and a cold in January).

I should be discharged in like 15min. Im ready to go home and sleep now!!

ER Visit

Well I had a black tarry watery stool and have been in a lot of pain lately so I decided to be on the safe side and go on to the hospital. All the tests came out clear. No surprise.  My symptoms always precede my test results.  They didn't see any bleeding. My gi was on call so he came to the er to see me. He put my on cipro and Flagyl to be safe. And gave me more Norco but said he didnt want to. I know they're addictive.  Im not stupid. But how else do I deal with so much pain I can barely walk?? Ugh. So frustrating!

Back to ER, Round 3 of Stricture

Ended up coming back to the ER. I haven't eaten in days. I have no appetite at all and im nauseous.  I forced myself to eat a little soft food but couldnt keep it down. The pain is just as bad too. I came to the ER around 830pm and its 130am now and I JUST got meds and an iv.  And then I waited this entire time for the dr to not even bother doing a ct scan or xray,  only blood work and thats pointless considering my labs have been looking great this entire time but I still had a small bowel obstruction!  This is why I didn't want to come back to begin with. Theres always a chance I get a dr who doesnt take anything seriously. I have a GI appointment Thursday so looks like im going to be waiting to find out more.  On a lighter note, I had a hot nurse lol.

Waiting to be discharged now. Praying it'll happen quickly!

Finally Home, Still Sick

I was discharged friday after 5 days in the hospital again. Got home and in still sick. I have no appetite.  Im throwing up everything I get down. Im in pain. I called my GI last night and he said I could wait until Monday and go in to the office or go to the er and let them do a ct scan. He recommended the er, but I dont want to be admitted again so I tried to sleep it off. Im so so right now. Hopefully ill be feeling better by tomorrow and won't need to go in at all. Ugh!! Not fun!!

Hospitalized

I was discharged monday and less than a week later, im admitted again.  I started throwing up this morning and havent stopped. My best friend brought me to the er and they admitted me. The xray didnt show an obstruction but the dr said it may be that I threw up so much it decompressed it. My veins suck so bad ive been stuck 8 times and the iv I had has slipped out and they're calling ICU to try to put in a new one...until then no pain or nausea meds and its been 2 hrs since nausea meds and 5 hours since pain meds. Needless to say, im miserable.

TIA plus anxiety equals NUMB

I did have a mild TIA. Basically a "mini stroke". Fortunately, they clear up on their own but they are warning signs of a more serious stroke, which is why it's important to check for clots and neurological damage.  I had a CT scan of my brain and all is good! So no worries there! Anxiety just made it a little worse. In case you didn't know,  anxiety can cause numbness and tingling in your hands and feet. But they have me some pain meds and sent me home and I'm doing fine now. I officially can feel my left arm again lol

Now I just finished watching the rest of Robocop with Tim and am currently in the middle of Transcendence. I leave for Chicago tomorrow evening so we are getting in as much quality time as we can for tonight.  He goes to work at 1pm tomorrow and I won't see him again until he picks me up from the airport Thursday morning :( im going to miss him. Crazy how only a few days away from the one you love feels like eternity!  I know, corny! Lol

The doctors in Chicago were supposed to provide funding for 2 nights while I'm there.  However, there are no available rooms. I suggested last week I would stay near the airport and travel via teain in to town each day. ..well they never booked the room!! There is now literally only one hotel room left!! And it's in Elk Grove!  Outside of Chicago!! I had to book it myself and am basically going to demand reimbursement.  I don't see why they wouldn't since they were going to fund 2 nights anyway and I booked an even cheaper hotel.  Any suggestions on how I should go about this with them?? I sent an email to Dr. Burt's go to person so say a prayer it all works out!

Off to finish the movie and get some sleep! God bless everyone and goodnight!

THIS is normal

I finally read The Fault In Our Stars. And as I did, I found myself relating to her often. It's much like she said in the book about her pain. When you're a professional sick person, you read it and understand and agree almost instantaneously.  When the pain is at its worse, you don't continue to cry or scream out. That only makes it worse. You rate it a 9, not a 10, because you know one day it will get worse. You put your mind on other things, you're courteous and polite and say thank you a lot and smile a lot because if you can do anything to take away from the pain, or at least not add to it, you do just that. You accept your defeat. You seek help from the doctors and you do what you can to not make it worse, to help the only way you know how. Doctors see that as having less pain, needing less assistance. They see it as strength by having less pain. But in fact it's quite the opposite.  It's more pain. And while it is strength, it is strength in bearing and emotionally coping with the physical overwhelming, unbelievable pain. And oh trust me, it is MORE pain.

I've spent more than enough days of my life in hospitals: counting ceiling tiles, discovering the way the plastic strips are perfectly intertwined to hold the tiles up, passing in and out of awareness, a lot of nurses,  a lot of thank yous, a lot of being poked and prodded. That doesn't scare me. It scares me more to think I can't remember my life before this. Of course I have memories, but I can't remember what normal feels like. THIS is normal. That scares me. But the process itself is, well, just...normal.

So I go about my "normal" life. I suppose to someone else, it may seem odd or interesting, but I've honestly lost the vision in even seeing that. It's quite boring and uneventful. One day, you're incredibly ill and preparing to die, and the next you're going to weekly doctor visits, pumping your body with meds, and unfortunately used to the pain and abnormalities of your daily life that you feel like you're really doing nothing. You didn't die. You're alive, but still too sick to feel alive and not exactly used to not dying. Sounds incredibly insane,  I know. But not to me. I think that's where I am. Still sick, alive, and not quite used to not dying yet. Will "normal" EVER feel the same? I find a lot of doubt in that. But I believe I'm alive still to serve a great purpose for God though, so I actually really hope I'm right about that. Maybe "normal" for me was supposed to change forever. Maybe it already has. And maybe I've not only come to get used to the idea,  but also to expect it. THIS is normal.