I guess im the only one that thinks my 2nd bday aka the day that marks im still alive is a big deal. Football first. Social events 1st. Everyone elses plans first. Me being alive second. If I dont stay for the game im a disappointment. If I stay and am not wanting to im disappointed. Lose lose to me. But whatever. Im at a point where im not seeing much of a point. Im tired of being optimistic and pleasing everyone else. Im tired and I just want this to be a special day. But now it never will be. If it's not done because people care but instead because Im being selfish then whats the point. And im the only one that sees its importance. Maybe because im the only one who is still alive because of it. I try every single day to be strong and inspirational and do things for others but honestly, im tired. Im tired of the forced smiles to hide the hurt and pain. Sometimes I can't be the inspiration. Sometimes I need the inspiration. I just want someone to think of me 1st on what I think is an important day. But really here I go again, selfish, selfish selfish. I feel like retreating at this point. Inwould love my own little bubble that i cant affect anyone elses lives. I think this is called depression. But I guess im the only one who sees it. Im trying with all my strength to stay strong for everyone else, make sure the world is happy and I improve it, not ruin it, but I seriously don't have much fight left.
I know im supposed to be positive and uplifting for everyone who reads this. But that's not real. It's not reality. I'm not perfect and im certainly not an all day ball of optimism. Im sorry for that.
