Improving

Updates aren't as common since I'm starting to really feel better. I'm having lady issues which I'm guessing is from the chemo since the doctors can't figure it out but other than that I'm seeing huge improvement since surgery a couple weeks ago! Thank you all for your continued prayers and I will continue to update you on my progress!

Surgery!!

Ok so I went to the ER last Thursday morning. Turns out I needed emergency gallbladder surgery. Soooo wasn't expecting that! It was very enlarged and inflamed with adema and scarring from previous infections and issues. My fevers didn't go away after surgery so they put me on vancomycin and flagyll and kept me until Tuesday to make sure my fevers were going away. So far so good. Just gotta keep being safe and taking these antibiotics!!

2 months since infusion

I'm in a lot of pain and even though I was able to eat some spaghettios today, I'm still nauseous. They're putting me back on flagyll in case it's the c diff but a virus has been going around so idk. I haven't been around any sick people but who knows. I'm also super super super dizzy. I'm getting a blood transfusion tomorrow so hopefully ill feel better after that. 

Almost 2 months post transfusion

Well I'm getting over the c diff. My stomach pain is completely gone!!! I'm still experiencing some mild diarrhea but its most likely a side effect from my meds. My PCP has increased the meds for my heart palpitations and prescribed me something to increase my appetite since my appetite is nonexistent at this point. I have only eaten a small order of curly fries in the last 3 days. I've lost 20lbs, which I'm not totally mad about lol but this isn't the right way to lose weight. I only take half a pain killer a day now and thts for my back! Not my Crohn's!! Yay!! Other than that the only thing I have to worry about is my hemoglobin. It's dropping and if it doesn't start increasing I will need a blood transfusion. So lets pray about that!!

One month since discharge

I've had an ok week until today. I'm running a low grade fever and the chills are brutal but the lab work this week said everything's ok! The c diff symptoms have gotten better so in sure I'm still just getting over that. 

On a different note, I just found out my masters thesis was published in the Journal of Korean Society of Clothing and Textiles!! My first academic publication!! Hoping this will help me when I look for a job as a university professor. I've also been considering a 6 month to a year break to teach English and do missionary work in a foreign country. I would need one that is paid without certification. Does anyone have any suggestions??

Getting over an infection

I've been on antibiotics for the c diff for several days now. I'm feeling better but am still experiencing some bloody diarrhea and nausea and vomiting. I have NO appetite still at all. Even though I'm still experiencing the symptoms, they aren't has severe as they were last week. So I guess we will just wait and see how I'm feeling in the next few days! I have faith ill be a million times better when the healing is over. God has big plans for me and I fully intend on carrying those plans out! :)

Sick again

Well the last couple days I've had bad diarrhea, vomiting, and then a fever. I went to the ER last night. I have a UTI and c diff again. I'm starting antibiotics so hopefully ill feel better soon. My ct scan showed alot of inflammation in my sigmoid colon still so I'm going to talk to Dr Burt tomorrow to see if that's normal or if it means the transplant is unsuccessful. I honestly don't know. I will keep you updated!

First good day in a looonnnnngggg time!!

I saw a PCP yesterday and she did an EKG. There is a part of it that showed narrowing but both her and a cardiologist didn't see any concern in it. She said my rapid heart beat, dizziness and difficulty breathing could be one a several things including anxiety, withdrawals from the drastic decrease in pain meds, or a thyroid issue caused by my other meds. She prescribed me something for the palpitations and I am feeling sooooo much better. Also the pain has decreased significantly over the last couple if days. Yay!!! And I'm down to using the bathroom once a day! No bleeding. No nausea. I'm tired but I'm still recovering. And that paired with my loss of appetite have been the only problems I've had today so that's good in my book!

Today was the uga vs Carolina game so I cooked and watched the game at home. My family has been a great support system during all of this. You know who hasn't talked to me in months. But I have bigger things on my mind, like getting healthy, moving on, and serving the higher purpose God has for me. He's working in me for sure and He has huge plans for me yet!! Can't wait to get better, get back to church, get back to mission work and loving the best man of all, God!!

Minor complications

My heart rate has been high all day and I'm shaky, like jittery. So I called Dr Burt. He's changed my dose of cyclosporine, asked me to cut down on phenergan, and made my blood pressure meds to as needed if my blood pressure is high. Also my magnesium is low so my dose of magnesium oxide has increased. Pain is still bad. It's like a constant sharp pain. The Percocet reduces it but doesn't eliminate it. But atleast my other Crohn's symptoms are better!

October begins: my first month to a new me

My blood pressure is staying high. It's made me so dizzy and my visions so blurry that I've been throwing up. Dr Burt prescribed me something for my blood pressure. It hasn't kicked in yet or I threw up too close to taking it but really hoping to feel better soon. 

September 30, 2012: Road to recovery

Ok everyone! Sorry for the delay!! I got home around midnight Friday and I've been battling bad insomnia, ton of pain, and really high blood pressure with blurry vision and dizziness. Not a good weekend. I talked to Dr Burt today and he said the pain should gradually fade with time and to get my weekly bloodwork as normal starting tomorrow morning and we will go from there. I'm pretty sure I'm going to need blood pressure meds since the cyclosporine (anti rejection meds) causes high blood pressure and I can't keep living like this everyday. 

Other than that I'm now only using the bathroom a few times a day, which should lessen with time as well. No nausea. No vomiting after every meal. I have a good appetite. No fevers. No bleeding. :)

Day 12: Update and Recap

I was supposed to go home this morning but my counts weren't high enough. They rechecked them at 2pm and my white cell count was 1.1 and my platelets were at 23...just enough to be sent home. Unfortunately, because they keep bouncing up and down, they've kept me another night atleast. They want to monitor me. They have to make sure i'm safe flying home. Even though I know thats right and safe and it's what I have to do, i'm having a discouraging day. I'm getting homesick and frustrated. But I know God is keeping me extra days for my own safety and when I finally get home, i'll appreciate it so much more. I'm having a rough time with the hair loss...bald...*shudder* but I'm trying to stay strong and see it as a symbol of my strength and recovery.

It's emotional for me to consider what i've been through over the last 6 years since my original diagnosis on March 27, 2007. A date i'll never forget. A date that changed my life forever...and honestly, for the better. When I was first diagnosed, I'd never even heard of Crohn's disease yet it was destined to alter my way of life forever. I was in and out of the hospital at first and trying every medication under the sun. By my senior year of college I was going to infusion centers every month and giving myself injections every other week. I managed with different meds and steroids until the summer I graduated with my Master's Degree.

Then the recent flare started...3 years ago...and it was relentless. As time went on, I had to stop going to parks or on walks, working out, going to movies or to bars with my friends. No one understood why I couldn't do the things they did. On top of it, I was battling moving from place to place, being homeless, trying to find a better job, dating an alcoholic, abusive boyfriend for 2 years, before finally moving back home to live near my family. Once I moved, I started a better job but was forced to take medical leave after only 3 months because of my Crohn's. I did break up with the boyfriend when i moved, hoping the stress relief would help some of the medications work better for me. Unfortunately, they didn't. I continued to worsen with daily fevers, chills, vomiting, diarrhea, bleeding, excruciating pain and cramping. My life was spent in the bathroom and throwing up in trashcans and plastic bags in the car. In October 2011, I was hospitalized and put on TPN and had blood transfusions. I was hospitalized several times after that as well.

In September 2011, I read a blog that had all of Dr Burt's information about the stem cell transplant for Crohn's. I knew it was a long shot, but my only other options were traveling internationally for risky hookworms or a full colostomy. Something I still could not be prepared for. I printed all the research I could find, took it to my doctor and told him to refer me. To my surprise, he agreed and immediately sent my medical records to Dr Burt for evaluation. By December, I was finally able to go to Chicago for my first evaluation. My blog explains the rest.

Thank you for reading and keeping up with my progress. And I promise I will keep updating as everything progresses.

God is staying good to me and keeping me strong. I couldn't ask for more.

Day 11: photos of my transplant process

 First few days of chemo

 Hospital food! Not so bad!

 Last day of chemo! 

 Bringing in my cells

 My stem cell transfusion

Day 11

Well I was hoping to go home today but I'm not quite there yet. We will see about tomorrow. My platelets are right where they need to be to go home but they want to be sure they're continuing to rise before sending me home. Plus my white cell counts are at 0.8 and they need to be at 1.0. I'm taking neupogen shots still so they should be up in the next couple of days.

I've barely had any nausea or pain. I'm only using the bathroom a couple times a day. It's loose but they said its most likely because of all the anti rejection and anti viral meds. I feel good. I'm just exhausted. My body has been put through the ringer and I'm feeling it. I think once I'm home with my family in my own house and in my own bed, I'm going to feel amazing!

Amy, Dr Burt's nurse, just discussed my discharge instructions with me which is exciting because it means I'm almost done and I've made it through!

On a different note, my blog was featured on Healthline.com's Top 11 Crohns Blogs of 2012! How exciting!! They specifically mentioned my positive outlook despite my condition and that seriously brought tears to my eyes. I knew I was going through this for a higher purpose of reaching others and that confirmed it for me! That made all of my struggles worth it because someone is reading and someone is getting something from it. God is so good!

Day 10

My counts are finally going up and I should be going home soon! I feel better and I've already eaten twice today!!! Yay!!! Dr Burt said everything looks good and when he pressed on my belly...no pain!!! I'm still weak as can be expected but I do see a difference already. Praying this continues to get better!

Also I haven't used the bathroom in the last day but when I try only blood comes out, Dr Burt says its common in Crohns patients of his. It's almost like the body is expulsing the disease from my body! Praying thats true!

Day 9: no hair, no shame

I  not ashamed of having no hair. I'm embracing it. It's part of the process. It symbolizes strength and road to recovery. I'm proud of it. 

 

Day 9

I shaved my hair off today. It wasn't as emotional as I anticipated. I'm coping well. The pain has been better today. Lots of diarrhea last night with soooo much pain but today has been much more manageable. They switched my picc line because they suspected an infection in it. They're doing stool tests now for more research as to where this infection is coming from. I'm on tons of antibiotics still that will cover all areas of my body. I'm taking two neupogen shots a day to increase my white blood cells.

The doctor says I'm doing really well an they expect discharge this week. My appetite is still crummy but I get like that in hospitals. I eat better at home. But my Crohns symptoms seem better. I feel like I'm feeling more of the transplant side effects right now. But time will tell !

Day 8

Yesterday was rough. Bad tremors, fevers, really high blood pressure, very low heart rate, bad stomach pains. Today I had to have another platlet transfusion and my blood pressure has been super low so no blood transfusion today. Still battling severe abdominal cramping and stabbing pains but they only come a few times a day, in between that, I'm pain free.

I'm on tons of antibiotics and anti viral and anti rejections so Im covered for the infection they found. My nausea is way down and no diarrhea. Just the pain, especially while trying to use the bathroom. It gets so bad I shake and vomit. No fun.

Amy says my counts could be up as soon as Monday. Then once the pain goes away, I go home!!

Day 6

Day 6 I now have chemo brain. Basically I can't remember anything that  or has happened or was said. Sorry if it seems kinda loopy. I am lol not from any new meds. Just chemo brain and sleep deprivation. It took me an hour to post this one. I would be awake and talkin then just slap asleep I think a lot of this memory loss is sleep deprivation

Will have to talk to everyone tomorrow when I'm not falling asleep in between each word

Day 5 afterthought :)

If anyone wants me to post on a certain topic, Crohns related of course lol please leave a comment to this post and I will start posting more! That can include personal updates on my stem cell transplant, or any general info you may want to find but can't. Let me help!

Day 5: still neutropenic

I am so sorry I haven't updated recently. Ever since the day before my transplant day, I was feeling so weak and nauseas and in a good bit of abdominal pain. The pain meds I had been getting were making me worse. So when I realized that, I had them take me off everything but Norco which helps a lot more.

The day before my transfusion, I started getting these bad abdominal cramps and I'd sit on the toilet for forever in writhing pain and nothing would come out. This has continued. They gave me a laxative for the first time the other day. And now, while its still sooo very painful, it's regulating to once or twice a day. The nausea is getting much better and I'm able to sleep again.

Day 0: September 13, 2012 10:18am I had my 2nd birthday. They brought the cells in Luke something from a movie, steam and all lol they blessed the cells (my choice) and started the infusion. They came in a small bag that looked like blood. The second they went in I tasted creamed corn, started breathing heavy and started vomiting through the entire thing. But Dr Burt was in the room with me and in 30min it was all done. I was pretty suck for the next two days but I'm gradually getting better.

It's now Day 5 and I'm full of energy with the occasional pain and nausea and a few other issues...needed 2 blood transfusions, one platelet transfusion, a couple bad fevers, and I have a lot of blood in my urine. So they're monitoring me and as soon as my counts go up, I go home!! Yay!!  Just be praying this really works and I'm gonna be better than I can remember being!

Day -2

Have been really sick today. Very weak. Had to have a blood transfusion but I'm all done with chemo now. Almost there...

Day -3

Last day of chemo is tomorrow!! Yay!! I've tolerated it fairly well. They have me on cytoxan and campath today and tomorrow. They kept the cytoxan on a slow trip and loaded me down with Benadryl and I've been doing well. Getting weak but went 2 days with no diarrhea! And minimal pain now! I'm feeling more myself again. Just as soon as I finish this :)

Day -4

Taking fludarabine, cytoxan, and campath today. Was having a little reaction so they loaded me down with tons of Benadryl and now I feel much better. I can't really eat but my Crohns symptoms seem to be better if not almost gone. They said I'll lose my hair in a couple weeks. And they said my worst days will be these last few days of chemo and the day of transplantation.

Day -5

Started cytoxan with the fludarabine, strong steroids, some anti viral meds, and mesna.  And they have me something to make me per a lot so the cytoxan doesn't give me bladder issues. I've had to take a lot of Benadryl because my nose was burning and my head was killing me. They also gave me merinol. Which is medicinal marijuana and that helped a lot but made me sleep a lot.

Day -7

Started a 4 hour course of magnesium today and now I'm on another 30min dose of fludarabine. I'm a little nauseous today. But I feel like its more my normal Crohns nausea. Will keep you all updated!!

Day -8

Just started chemo today. The picc line had problems going in right so that took 3 hrs yesterday. Then I was admitted yesterday evening. Dr Burt came in and gave the ok to start chemo. Today I'm getting a 30min dose of fludarbine. Almost done for the day!

Donor Info

Just so everyone knows. Donors have to take shots of neupogen which causes their bodies to produce extra bone marrow. It causes bone pain and can get pretty painful. Then they hook them up to a machine which draws blood from a catheter in their neck and separates the stem cells and puts te blood back in. They pump them with calcium, etc during this. Doing so can cause then to experience pain and a tingly feeling. Thought everyone would like to know a little about the donor experience. I'm gonna have my sister write on here and post about her experience.

Oral Surgery

Wisdom teeth removed today. Just got out of surgery. They didn sedate me Bc I had to do it alone and bc they needed to do it quick and not with a surgeon. But they ended up having to get a surgeon bc I wasn't numbing completely. I was laying there in tears and almost screaming. I had some bone and fibrous tissue covering the tooth so they had to cut it off too. That was terrible. I'm at the pharmacy getting Narco for the pain. Praying for a pain free and fast recovery.

Insomnia

I've been battling insomnia too for a year and I haven't slept in over 30hrs and I'm exhausted to the point of breaking down in hysterics but I can't sleep. Help. Ugh. I take ambien but I'm having to babysit my nephews, all 3, today with my grandmother and even though I'm exhausted and screaming in pain and throwing up bad, in havin to stay up with the older 2 while my grandmother is napping with the baby. Sooo tired!!

Home finally

Ok so I just got home from the hospital. My blood counts are very low and I haven't been eating. I gotta be careful or it's back to tpn for me. I won't post for another week when we go back to Chicago to harvest my sisters stem cells. I need time to rest.

Still in the hospital

My blood counts dropped so they kept me. They did IV iron therapy yesterday and I should know soon what will happen next

Hospital stay day 2

They couldn't find where my stomach is bleeding so I'm here one more night then they'll check my labs on the morning and go from there. I'll probably get to go on home

Great news: my sis is autoimmune disorder free so it's all a go!!

Bump in the road

Oh forgot to mention I've been vomiting blood for over a month and now I'm having black coffe ground stools and fevers etc. so I was admitted at Northwestern in Chicago last night. Had an endoscopy this morning...waiting for results

I need prayers

So I had the MRI and it turns out me in tight spaces equals panic attack. Bad news. I met with Dr Burt's nurse yesterday and she said there was some kind of mistake and even though my insurance gave the hospital an approval code, it wasn't actually approved. Then not even a minute later she gets a call saying Tricare went ahead and approved it and it's a go. Then I go to my appointment today with Dr burt... They lied again and they decided not to approve it even though they sent the nurse an approval code and an approval email. So as of now, the transplant is canceled. I'm at a loss. I'm a wreck. I need this so bad and now I don't know what I'll do. Please pray!

After dentist appointment

So I do have infected wisdom teeth. It still won't affect my transplant though. They are putting me on antibiotics for a week and cutting them out next week. Frustrating but better than it messing up my transplant! About to meet with dr burts nurse and then it's off to the MRI. I may not post again until tomorrow since this will probably have me pretty sick!

At my dentist appointment

Well I have 8 sudden cavities after never having a single one in my life. And inflamed gums and I have to have my wisdom teeth removed ASAP. Good news is it won't affect my transplant whatsoever! But I may have to stay in Chicago or come back next week. Very frustrating. The dentist is talking to the oral surgeon now about scheduling. Cross your fingers!!

Pre transplant testing

Today was the first day of my pre transplant testing. Today I had a pulmonary function test, EKG, cheat X-ray, labs, echocardiogram, and a GI appointment. I told them about my constant dizziness. They're saying it's anxiety and my meds.

I have been throwing up blood for 2 months and have been to the ER 4 times and they do labs and say I'm fine and send me home even though I kept telling them I knew I was losing a lot of blood. Turns out they did the wrong labs and instead of them saying my hemoglobin is 11... It's 8! Idiots! My sis is also anemic so they have her on iron too.

My wisdom teeth are cutting bad and if they're infected they'll cancel the transplant until after I have them cut out. Dr Barrett said it didn't look infected and they may just cut my gums to let the wisdom teeth come in. He set me up with an appointment in the dental center tomorrow to find out.

My sister, since she is my donor and has IBS, is also getting a full work up. They wanna be sure she doesn't have Crohns too. She had labs, an EKG, a chest X-ray and a vein check and GI appointment today. Tomorrow she will have a ct scan and Friday a colonoscopy.

Tomorrow I have the dentist appointment, meeting with Dr Burt's nurse and an MRI. So hope the barium doesn't make me as sick as it did last time.

Also my heart rate has been sky high so I have to stop getting stressed out!!

I lost 5 lbs over the last 2 days..hoping to continue to lose!!

I have an active thread going on crohnsforum.com under jmcbrid so go check it out!!

Also Dr Barrett said I'm on the strongest pain meds available without putting me on a pain patch like what they give cancer patients and it has too many side effects. Guess all that's left is to suffer ugh!

great news!!a

the nurse called me today and told me my sister is a match for my donor! and we will start pretransplant testing  august 6, 2012 and i will be admitted september 3, 2012. yay!! i will blog step by step when we get there!

It's been approved!

So sorry that i haven't posted sooner! i don't have the internet at home and my cell was acting up!

The insurance approved the stem cell transplant first try!! We will know by Tuesday if my sis is a donor match via HLA testing. If she is, she will go to Chicago and they'll determine if she is free of Crohn's. If she is, she will be my donor. If she isn't a match or has Crohn's, they'll use someone from the Umbilical Cord Registry. PRAY!!!! They said the earliest they can fit me in for the transplant is september, so again, pray i wont have to wait long!

thank you all for your support!

cant wait for chicago

the pain is getting worse and nothing offers me relief. i cant wait to go to chicago and maybe get some answers. however, the costs involved in all of this are really adding up and i dont have the money to  pay. im officially 6 months out of work..no income. ugh. i dont know how much longer im  going to survive all of this.

so sick

i was super sick yesterday. i was laying down for a nap and woke up throwing up. i later attempted to go for dinner with candice and ended up in the bathroom for 30minutes bent doubled over in pain and violently throwing up. she took very good care of me and got me home right when a terrible fever and chills started.  today im in tons of pain and just nauseas. ugh.

ct scan update

the ct scan didnt show any  complications..just the usual inflammation causing tons of pain...ugh no way to get any relief

Day 1 hundred and something

went to the dr today. ive had worsening pain and a swollen feeling. so he sent me straight  to the hospital for a ct scan and blood work.ill get the results in the morning

Day 155: Self-Injury Awareness

Although National Self-Injury Awareness Day (NSIAD) is on March 1, I am offering some information to my readers today. Just because it's important and close to my heart.

INFORMATION
Approximately 1% of the US population has self-injured at some point in time.

Self-harm, also known as self-injury, self-inflicted violence, self-injurious behavior, or self-mutilation, can be defined as the deliberate, direct injury of one's own body that causes tissue damage or leave marks for more than a few minutes and that is done in order to deal with an overwhelming or distressing situation.

It's important to remember that, even though it may not be apparent to an outside observer, self-injury is serving a function for the person who does it. Figuring out what functions it serves and helping someone learn other ways to get those needs met is essential to helping people who self-harm. Some of the reasons self-injurers have given for their acts include:

• Affect modulation (distraction from emotional pain, ending feelings of numbness, lessening a desire to suicide, calming overwhelming/intense feelings)
• Maintaining control and distracting the self from painful thoughts or memories
• Self-punishment (either because they believe they deserve punishment for either having good feelings or being an "evil" person or because they hope that self-punishment will avert worse punishment from some outside source
• Expression of things that can't be put into words (displaying anger, showing the depth of emotional pain, shocking others, seeking support and help)
• Expression of feelings for which they have no label -- this phenomenon, called alexithymia (literally no words feeling), is common in people who self-harm

See Osuch, Noll, & Putnam, Psychiatry 62 (Winter 99), pp: 334-345
Zlotnick et al, Comprehensive Psychiatry 37(1) pp:12-16.

People who self-injure often never developed healthy ways to feel and express emotion or to tolerate distress. Studies have shown that self-harm can put a person at a high level of physiological arousal back to a baseline state.

It's natural to want to help people who self-injure develop healthier ways of coping when they feel overwhelmed, but it's important not to let your discomfort with the concept of self-harm cause you to issue ultimatums, punish self-harming behavior, or threaten to leave if the person self-harms again. Ideally, you should set boundaries to keep yourself feeling safe while respecting the person's right to make his or her own decisions about how to deal with stress.

MYTHS

Self-harm is usually a failed suicide attempt.
This myth persists despite a wealth of studies showing that, although people who self-injure may be at a higher risk of suicide than others, they distinguish betwen acts of self-harm and attempted suicide. Many, if not most, self-injuring people who make a suicide attempt use means that are completely different to their preferred methods of self-inflicted violence.

People who self-injure are crazy and should be locked up.
Tracy Alderman, Ph.D., author of The Scarred Soul, addressed this:

"Fear can lead to dangerous overreactions. In dealing with clients who hurt themselves, you will probably feel fear. . . . Hospitalizing clients for self-inflicted violence is one such form of overreaction. Many therapists, because they do not possess an adequate understanding of SIV, will use extreme measures to assure (they think) their clients' best interests. However, few people who self-injure need to be hospitalized or institutionalized. The vast majority of self-inflicted wounds are neither life threatening nor require medical treatment. Hospitalizing a client involuntarily for these issues can be damaging in several ways. Because SIV is closely related to feelings of lack of control and overwhelming emotional states, placing someone in a setting that by its nature evokes these feelings is very likely to make matters worse, and may lead to an incident of SIV. In addition, involuntary hospitalization often affects the therapeutic relationship in negative ways, eroding trust, communication, rapport, and honesty. Caution should be used when assessing a client's level of threat to self or others. In most cases, SIV is not life threatening. . . . Because SIV is so misunderstood, clinicians often overreact and provide treatment that is contraindicated.

People who self-harm are just trying to get attention.
A wise friend once emailed me a list of attention-seeking behaviors: wearing nice clothing, smiling at people, saying "hi", going to the check-out counter at a store, and so on. We all seek attention all the time; wanting attention is not bad or sick. If someone is in so much distress and feels so ignored that the only way he can think of to express his pain is by hurting his body, something is definitely wrong in his life and this isn't the time to be making moral judgments about his behavior.
That said, most poeple who self-injure go to great lengths to hide their wounds and scars. Many consider their self-harm to be a deeply shameful secret and dread the consequences of discovery.

Self-inflicted violence is just an attempt to manipulate others.
Some people use self-inflicted injuries as an attempt to cause others to behave in certain ways, it's true. Most don't, though. If you feel as though someone is trying to manipulate you with SI, it may be more important to focus on what it is they want and how you can communicate about it while maintaining appropriate boundaries. Look for the deeper issues and work on those.

Only people with Borderline Personality Disorder self-harm.
Self-harm is a criterion for diagnosing BPD, but there are 8 other equally important criteria. Not everyone with BPD self-harms, and not all people who self-harm have BPD (regardless of practitioners who automatically diagnose anyone who self-injures with BPD).

If the wounds aren't "bad enough," self-harm isn't serious.
The severity of the self-inflicted wounds has very little to do with the level of emotional distress present. Different people have different methods of SI and different pain tolerances. The only way to figure out how much distress someone is in is to ask. Never assume; check it out with the person.

Only teen-aged girls self-injure.
In five years of existence, the bodies-under-siege email list has had members of both genders, from six continents, and ranging in age from 14-60+. It's a person-who-has-no-other-way-to-cope thing, not a teenage (or female or American or whatever) thing.

Resource: http://www.selfinjury.org/

INFORMATION

Self-injury is a coping mechanism. An individual harms their physical self to deal with emotional pain, or to break feelings of numbness by arousing sensation.

People can feel the urge to self-injure for hours, and it can feel like there is nothing else to relieve the distress, other than to hurt one's self.
A trigger is an event that pushes a person over the edge and leads them to seek immediate relief through self-harm.
A trigger can be an external event, such as an argument, or an internal event, like remembering a traumatic time.

DID YOU KNOW?
Self-harm includes many harmful behaviours such as self-injury, but includes such diverse matters as eating disorders, risk taking behaviour, drug and alcohol misuse.

We might describe a massive acute drug overdose as suicidal behaviour, but if someone is self-medicating in a chronic manner (over a period of time) then we're more likely to describe it as self-injury, especially if the person explains their actions are to 'help them cope' or 'help them forget'.


When a person is told that their ideas, desires and thoughts are wrong, stupid or not worth considering, that person can feel invalidated, i.e. they can feel unheard and discounted.
When a person finds that all their thoughts are always judged to be silly or not worth consideration, they can be said to be experiencing chronic, or long-term invalidation.

If a person's self expression is inhibited, or even forbidden, then it may lead to such a crisis that they turn inwards, only expressing themselves internally, and this might manifest as self harm.
Self harm can be seen as 'communication to one's self'; a person who self harms may feel that the only way to have a voice, is to keep it silent and private, to express their feelings directly on their own body.
If there is no one who will listen to the emotional outbursts of a frustrated and distressed person, they may turn to self harm as a form of emotional expression. By creating physical harm to themselves, they seek relief from the emotional distress# that they are forbidden to express publicly.

Physical pain can seem easier to deal with than the emotional pain that is trapped inside an invalidated person, and it detracts from the emotional distress therefore offering some kind of temporary relief.
Chronic invalidation is not only experienced by young people, it can effect people of any age, in situations where a person in power, or a group of people, continuously discount and ignore a person. This sort of passive bullying can often be seen in the work place*.

WHO SELF-INJURES?

Self-injury can affect anybody, at any time in their lives. Gender, age, sexual orientation, race, religion, background – they are all irrelevant. If, rather than considering who might turn to self-injury, we instead focus on who could possibly suffer from the emotional distress that can lead to self-injury, it’s much easier to imagine that self-injury really can affect anyone.
Self-injury is a coping mechanism. Anyone who has anything distressing to cope with might potentially turn to self-injury.
So instead of looking at who self-injures in terms of such things as gender and age, we might consider that there are certain characteristics that some people who self-injure share. These include, but are not restricted to, low self-esteem, perfectionism and high achievement, poor body image, trauma and abuse. Of course, a person who self-injures may experience all, some, or none of these characteristics, as may a person who doesn’t self-injure.

Many people who self-injure often talk about intense negative feelings towards themselves. A significant cause of low self-esteem is chronic invalidation by others.

Perfectionists may be very successful in their every-day lives, but it often comes at a personal cost. Perfectionism simultaneously pushes people to succeed to the highest standards, but it also inevitably causes a person to feel they could have done better, or even that they have failed. Similarly to invalidation, this may lead eventually to low self-esteem.

Some people who self-injure have a poor body image. This may, again, be due to invalidation (i.e. consistent comments about weight, looks etc) or may even be due to the media’s attention on the ‘beautiful people’. A person can feel inadequate, or even ugly or inferior. Self-injury may be a way of coping with these feelings by ‘punishing’ the body.

Some people self-injure to cope with traumatic life events, either currently or in the past. These may include bereavement, bullying, break-up of relationship, financial crisis, or physical, emotional or sexual abuse.

Self-injury may also be associated with mental health issues such as depression, anxiety, eating disorders, schizophrenia, borderline personality disorder, etc.

Resource: http://www.lifesigns.org.uk/ (TONS of info here, please go to the website and download the appropriate pdf file..ex. info for teachers, for parents, for friends, for males and so on)

This information could save someone you know so please read!

Day 155: Therapy

Was sick and throwing up for several hours yesterday but was over it after dinner  time.

Today i met with a therapist..someone to help me deal with my emotional issues with having a chronic illness. i will see her on a regular basis now..well someone in SC and her when im in CA but im going  back to sc this weekend. I will call someone in Greenville to see when I get home.

Other than that, no major updates..just waiting to go to Chicago..lots of waiting...

Day 153: Bucket List

Here is my Bucket List as of today:

1.       Learn to play guitar

2.       Go to a hockey game

3.       Stay in a cottage in Ireland

4.       See the Hollywood sign

5.       Write a book

6.       See the pyramids in Egypt

7.       Eat gelato in Italy

8.       Go to Time Square at New Year’s

9.       Learn to confidently drive a stick shift car

10.   Be on Family Feud

11.   Gamble at a casino

12.   Message in a bottle

13.   Go to Mall of America

14.   Do a pinup photo shoot

15.   Ride in a helicopter

16.   Visit all 50 states

17.   Go on the Jaws ride at Universal Studios

18.   Go to a monster truck show

19.   Go to Mount Rushmore

20.   Paint a picture

21.   Go on an undetermined road trip..just get in the car and drive

22.   Stay in the haunted Colonial Inn in Massachusetts...shown on Ghost Hunters

23.   See the mystery GA stones

24.   Grow a tulip

25.   Learn to do a real pushup, not the girly kind

26.   Go mattress surfing down a flight of stairs

27.   Go to Disneyland

28.   See a celebrity’s house

29.   Get a spray tan, just because

30.   Get laser hair removal on my legs

31.   Visit an Amish or pioneer town

32.   Join a church

33.   Take pictures with the Hollywood sidewalk stars

34.   Lead a charity organization or drive

35.   Go to Venice

36.   Share my abuse story and help someone

37.   See Lion King: the Broadway show

38.   Go to a ballet

39.   Go to the circus

40.   See Cirque du Soleil

41.   Take my nephews to a theme park

42.   See a Picasso exhibit

43.   Create and maintain a blog with at least 100 readers

44.   Teach at a university

45.   Get my PhD

46.   Got to a small Mexican village

47.   See the Great Wall in China

48.   See a bull fight or run in Spain

49.   See a kangaroo in Australia

50.   Go on a safari ride

51.   See the Northern Lights

52.   Volunteer with children

53.   Go to a shooting range

54.   Play paintball

55.   Be in the audience of a taping of a talk show

56.   Visit Germany and meet my family that lives there

57.   Have a quilt made of all my old t-shirts to pass down in my family

58.   Go on a spiritual mission

59.   Go to a German festival

60.   See a meteor shower

61.   See the Statue of Liberty

62.   Go to a wax museum

63.   Go to a pottery making place

64.   Go to a wine tasting

65.   Volunteer at a soup kitchen

66.   Shop on Rodeo Drive

67.   Have a child or adopt

68.   Go whale watching

69.   Eat escargot

70.   Ride in a ferry   In Istanbul, 2010

71.   Take a cruise Dinner cruise in Istanbul, 2010

72.   Get marriedDecember 23, 2011

73.    Lay out and watch the stars

74.   Get something pierced  belly button, 2009

75.   Name a star  “The Nana”, for Mom, February 14, 2012

76.   Lay on a beach in Europe   2010 with Leslie Merritt

77.   Take a train ride    In Greece, 2010 with Leslie Merritt

78.   Own a pet   Ella and Lady

79.   Go on a horse and carriage ride  Helen, GA

80.   Fall in love  

81.   Go on spontaneous road trip   to Folly Beach, SC 2011

82.   Make my own piece of clothing 

83.   Be on a game show  Mexican game show in Miami, 2009

84.   Watch the sunrise on the beach

85.   Kiss underneath a waterfall 

86.   Be a designer in a fashion show  2008

87.   Learn to cook

88.   Cook a meal for my family 

89.   Get a professional massage

90.   Have a snowball fight with strangers Athens, GA snowstorm 2010

91.   Hike a mountain  Chimney Rock, NC

92.   Lose weight

93.   Learn to check the oil in a car Poppie taught me

94.   Throw a party  2010

95.   Go to a baseball game

96.   Graduate college  SCSU and UGA; 2008 and 2010 respectively

97.   Create my own recipe beans

98.   See a dinner and a show  with Mom, Pigeon Forge, TN; Dixie Stampede

99.   See an impersonation act

 100.                        Kiss in the rain

101.                        Build a snowman

102.                        Go to a petting zoo 

103.                        Watch the sunset on the beach

104.                        Drive a speed boat

105.                        Witness a lunar or solar eclipse 2008

106.                        Eat duck 2012

107.                        Learn yoga 2012

108.                        Start meditating 2012

109.                        Get a tattoo  first one: angel wings when I was 19

110.                        Go to Paris  2010

111.                        See Shamu at Sea World 

112.                        Be on a TV show 2011 BET’s “The Game”

113.                        Go tubing 

114.                        Get a master’s degree 

115.                        Go to Miami

116.                        Sing karaoke

117.                        Go camping

118.                        Ride a mechanical bull

119.                        Go to the Louvre

120.                        See an ancient Greek god’s temple  

121.                        Save an animal 

122.                        Pet a dolphin 

123.                        See a panda 

124.                        Fly on a plane 

125.                        See Broadway’s Cats